


The Boys And The Girls Are Doing It

by brothergrimace1



Category: Daria - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 07:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11732397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brothergrimace1/pseuds/brothergrimace1
Summary: Daria Morgendorffer. Kevin Thompson. A 'ghost pepper'. A HUGE amount of money in the kitty. 'The day has suddenly turned sinister...'





	The Boys And The Girls Are Doing It

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: This fic was based on Chris Tucker’s ‘Iron Chef’, which wanted the writers to depict ‘Daria’s first time at anything’.

 

 

_"I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i..."_  
  
"Come on, Daria," Jane Lane urged, surprisingly casual, giving the pained, gagging sounds coming from her best friend. "You can do it, _amiga_. Just a little bit more..."  
  
Daria Morgendorffer fought to speak through clenched teeth. " _ **Uhhhnnnnnggghh...**_  I, oh, God, Jane, I don't think I can - **OH GOD.** Oh, God... I think... I think... _guurrrlllkkkk..._ "  
  
"Whoa." Mack's Mackenzie's face, already wet with sweat, twisted with a mixture of disbelief, admiration and even fear as he watched Daria - _always the control freak, huh, girl?_  - try to restrain herself.  
  
_Okay, then, girl - let's see just how much of this you really can handle._  
  
The muscles on the left side of Daria's face twitched; sounds Jane had never heard before somehow seeped out of her best friend as her head began to jerk wildly, her hair snapping back and forth.  
  
Sandi Griffin lifted her head from where she lay. Hers eyes bleary as she saw Daria begin to thrash about, she could barely keep from vomiting as she watched Daria holding tightly to the edges of the kitchen table, tears begin to pour from the petite girl's's tightly-shut eyes.  
  
_It'll be over soon,_  she thought, her eyes flickering over to Jane and hating her with every fiber of her being. _Oh, and I swear to God, Lane, I will get you back for this someday. I'm going to tell Daria's parents, I'm telling my mother, I'm going to tell Daria's Aunt Amy._  
  
_You tricked her, you tricked me... Oh, God, it hurts so much!_  
  
_I swear to God, I'll get you back. I swear to God I will._  
  
**"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"**  
  
Mack smiled as Daria's scream rang out through _Casa Lane_ , and he glanced down at the small, black, shriveled object ejected from her mouth.  
  
His smile went even wider-  
  
_"One minute, seventeen seconds!"_  
  
Mack's smile evaporated, reappearing on Jane's face as the raven-haired girl held forth a stopwatch.  
  
"I'd say that our dear Miss Morgendorffer has just won the bet."  
  
Mack turned away from Jane's cat-smile to Daria - who was too busy scarfing down the contents of a one-gallon tub of sour cream to even consider his presence or existence at that moment. "Nice going, Daria. How the hell did you manage that?"  
  
_"You keep forgetting that Daria grew up in Texas!"_ Jane crowed, not even bothering to mask her glee as her outstretched hand appeared in front of Mack's face. "She went a full thirty seconds, and forty-seven seconds after that, so that makes it-"  
  
"Twenty-seven hundred dollars." Mack couldn't begin to hide the sour taste in his mouth.  
  
"Hey - cute, and good at math. Cough it up."  
  
Scowling, Mack scooped seven twenty-dollar bills and a single ten from the soup bowl in the center of the Lane kitchen table-  
  
Sandi, now gulping down another heaping spoonful of sour cream from her viewing perch on the living room couch, stared assorted blades of hate at Jane as she watched her stake in the bet vanish-  
  
-and dropped them upon Jane's open palm before starting to count out bills from the LHS football helmet in his hands.  
  
Mack began to count twenties off from the helmet. "Damn... I was going to use this to surprise Jodie with a special dinner at _Chez Pierre_."  
  
"Hey, I told you my girl was solid," Jane snickered, glancing around the room at the combination of defeated and awestruck expressions on the faces of the Lawndale Lions football squad - all wedged into the kitchen to watch the action. "And somebody better make sure that you get that hundred-fifty from Kevvie. Daria didn't do this for her health!"  
  
_"S-s-s-s-screw you..."_  
  
Jane turned around to the source of the ragged voice, her smile angelic. "Hey, Daria! Told you that your first time trying a _ghost pepper_ would be profitable!"  
  
Her complexion so scarlet that it made her hair go dark in contrast, Daria managed to look up from the tub of sour cream and gaze upon her best friend with the deepest of loathing. "If I didn't need a new computer so badly..."  
  
"Yes, yes. Death, pain, an eternity of watching _Stop! Or My Mother Will Shoot_ , various bad things. Cheer up! Now you can have a new machine, new games, lots of pizza, and no sinus problems for a long, long while!"  
  
"I... am... going... to... _get_... you..."  
  
"Look, you were the one who said that you could keep it in your mouth longer than that doofus Thompson. He went forty-six seconds. You beat him. Move on with your life."  
  
Each word spat from between Daria's lips like magma. "Smash... _kick_... tell... about... _flying_... _broom_..."  
  
"Look on the bright side, Daria!" Jane chirped back. "After having _that_ in your mouth, you'll never think twice about oral sex being icky!"  
  
As bad as losing the money for Jodie's birthday dinner was, Mack realized that getting hit directly in the head by a heavy, badly-aimed metal spoon was worse... for the few seconds he remained conscious.  
  
  
**END**

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12 October 2011

 


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